Categories
Humor Money Politics

Sunday Night Funnies

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys!  How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy #2 from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Categories
Humor Travel

Saturday Morning Shenanigans

‘Big Tex’ was our Cruise Director on the Carnival Fantasy out of New Orleans two weeks ago. Here he is in one of his signature routines – teaching us how to dance:

Categories
Food Humor Travel

Monday Night Countdown

This week I present to you the TOP 5 things that I’m most looking forward to on my upcoming Carnival cruise. Perhaps it will make you giggle out loud like a little girl:

5.  Dressing up in my most elegant formal attire to shake hands with the Captain, introduce myself as ‘The Major’, and then indulge in rich hors d’oeuvres on fancy plates while watching old people dance the Charleston up on stage.

4.  Dude – Those 100-minute 8-course dinners every single night of the week. Need I say more ?  Hey I’m all about the food !  It’s all good like that !

3.  Dancing out in the middle of the disco dance floor like it’s 1989 and I’m 22 years old. I still have some leftover dance moves in me that I never got to during the 1985 to 2005 time-frame. If I return to America’s Riviera in noticeable pain then you can pretty much surmise that I finally got to those dance moves out on the open seas. I may have made a total fool of myself, but it surely wouldn’t be the first time.

2.  She’s sweet – I16 !  He’s on social security – O65 !  She’s got the sexy legs of Bingo – B11 !  Representing all of the States – G50 !  Middle-aged Bingo – N40 !  B I N G O ! ! !

1.  Embarking on one long continuous ‘Major’s Walk-A-Thon’ up and down and all around all of the various decks from the time that I step on that cruise ship to the time that I step off of it. How else am I gonna work off the 4,750 calories that I’ll be consuming over the course of 5 MASSIVE meals per day ?

‘Monday Night Countdown’ returns in 2 weeks on Monday February 16TH 2009.

Categories
Animals Humor

Saturday Morning Shenanigans

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