Category: Humor
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Monday Night Countdown
This week I present to you the TOP 5 things that were on my mind when this picture was taken of me:
5. Do I look abnormally skinny in this uniform ?
4. Why am I so miserable ? Could it be that we only have Diet Coke to drink ?
3. If it weren’t for this handy-dandy nose of mine these ENORMOUS glasses would simply fall right off of my face !
2. One day this watch of mine is going to be a collector’s item.
1. I just can’t wait to get home so that I can listen to my hot new Ace Of Base CD !
This guy is clearly Catholic:
AN ITALIAN BOY’S CONFESSION
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with ?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’
Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti ?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli ?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli ?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano ?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then ?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get ?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads’.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows with an option for one more. You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the heck out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
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