Category: Humor

Categories
Humor Money Politics

Economic Models Explained With Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

TO BE CONTINUED …

Categories
Food Humor Shopping

Saturday Morning Shenanigans

I had the whole wide store to myself for a good half hour of browsing fun. That was at Kohl’s this morning at the MAMMOTH new Homestead Pavilion shopping complex. I actually spent nearly an hour in that beautiful store, and I was very impressed with what they had to offer. Think of it as an upscale Target (which in turn is an upscale Wal Mart). If you’re looking for clothes, kitchen appliances, and bedroom and bathroom accessories then go and check out Kohl’s.

After Kohl’s I went to Starbucks where I picked-up a delicious Pumpkin Spice Latte and a delightful slice of Pumpkin Loaf (bread).

Pumpkin Spice Latte
Pumpkin Spice Latte

I always experience the weirdest scenarios at Starbucks. When I pulled in to the parking lot I was actually concerned whether or not they were even open for business. There was nobody there. When I walked in to the joint I was the only one there (aside from a few baristas). I was actually able to review the menu board for more than 10 seconds to see what I really wanted. Unfortunately it wasn’t much more than 10 seconds, for just as soon as I was trying to figure out what I wanted to order – a couple walked in – then another couple – then an entire family – then even more people. Before I knew it I was literally holding up the line for at least a dozen sleepy people !  I pretty much defaulted on the whole ‘pumpkin’ idea. The pumpkin loaf was actually not my idea, but the barista’s idea for me. Luckily for her it turned out to be moist and delicious.

And so those – my friends – are my ‘Saturday Morning Shenanigans’ for this go-’round. I’ll leave you with this interesting news item from Tokyo Japan. Check it out:

UNCERTAINTY AT JAPANESE BANKS

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the U.K. uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore 500 staff members at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Categories
Health Humor

Monday Night Countdown

OK kids. This week I’ve got a change-of-pace TOP 5 countdown for you:

It’s the TOP 5 reasons why I’m greatful that my 6TH cold in 11 months is now officially done and over with:

5.  My gorgeous pearly white teeth were slowly rotting due to the MASSIVE consumption of Airborne (sugar juice), Zicam (sugar tablet), and Cold-EEZE (sugar candy).

4.  My nose now works properly (in and out), as it no longer randomly makes the sound of an old washing machine during spin cycle.

3.  Fast Food Napkins (used for blowing my nose) – no longer rapidly diminishing in supply. (Crisis averted.)

2.  The area around my nostrils is slowly returning from a lovely shade of Inflamed Death Pink to a healthy shade of South Florida Tropical Flesh Tan.

1.  My vast blogging audience was praying to God for my rapid recovery – if only so that I would stop whining to them about the effects of my 6TH cold in 11 months. Case closed.

Be sure to catch the big blog during the weekend after Thanksgiving Day as I present to you my 7TH cold in 13 months. You won’t regret it pal !

Categories
Blogging Humor

Blatant Promotion

It’s not quite 9:30 PM on a Monday night, and I’m already thinking ahead outside of the bun. Be sure to be here TOMORROW as I post my weekly ‘Tuesday Night Grab Bag O’ Thoughts’ sometime before 5 PM EDT. I don’t have a clue as to what I plan to blog about, but I’m sure that I’ll think of five crazy thoughts over the next 20 hours. You’re not gonna wanna miss it my friends.

Coming up in 5 nights it’s another classic flashback in time as we go ‘Saturday Night Retro’ to 1995. What were you doing back then ?  Having fun ?

Have a cool and pleasant Monday night everyone, and until we meet again – REMEMBER THIS !

Leaders and Supervisours – Feel free to use the following for your workplace as you see fit:

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY – NEW OFFICE POLICIES

Dress Code:
1.  You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2.  If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4.  If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays. 

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
 
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management