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Animals Food Health Sports Weather

The Major’s Walk-A-Thon

Sky: Clear
Temperature: 66°F
Dewpoint: 45°F
Relative Humidity: 47%
Winds: SE 6 MPH
Barometric Pressure: 29.92 Falling

After I watched my visiting Washington Redskins give up the shutout and the game to the hometown Dallas Cowboys in the last 3 minutes of the game I decided that the only reasonable thing for me to do was to walk around my brother’s neighbourhood for a little while, and so I did for a refreshing 28 minutes and 48 seconds.

Here are my walking thoughts in 15 words or less:

– Me, my Brother, Sister-In-Law, and their dog Buddy went on a 1.5-mile walk.
– They live in a rather large subdivision of cookie-cutter style split-level houses.
– It’s a peaceful and quiet neighbourhood just perfect for suburban families.
– The sky was crystal clear and as deep blue as can be during the 3 PM hour.
– It was in the mid-60s, but this was a different mid-60s than I’ve felt before.
– It was a dry mid-60s – compared with a more humid mid-60s typical of home.
– At first Buddy (the dog) was leading the way.
– But soon thereafter he was slowly stalling out.
– He was pretty much exhausted halfway through the walk.
– What do you expect from a canine that’s approaching his 60s in dog years ?
– Right now Buddy is passed out on a chair.
– When my sister-in-law exclaimed that we had gone a half a mile I concurred.
– All I did was look at my watch and see that 9½ minutes had elapsed.
– Since I typically walk a mile in 19 minutes flat I knew that she was right.
– Once our walk was done we had all worked up a sizeable appetite for food.
– So we ventured over to The Cheesecake Factory for a MASSIVE Dinner.
– I enjoyed the Lemon-Herb Roasted Chicken.
– Of course I saved room for a large slice of cheesecake too.
– Of course I indulged in the ‘for a limited time only’ Pumpkin Cheesecake.
– Walking hard and eating hard – that’s how I roll on this Sunday !

Categories
Animals Driving History Music People Travel

The Major’s Friday Night Disco Party

This morning I woke up at 3:45 AM Eastern / 2:45 AM Central. I was on the road an hour later, and after about 12½ hours of driving 804 miles I arrived at my destination tonight safe and sound. I’m in Gulfport Mississippi. I’ve been here before – back in the Summer of 1994 on temporary military duty at nearby Keesler AFB in historic Biloxi.

Tomorrow I’ve got another 590 or so miles of driving from here to Allen Texas (northeast of Dallas). It’s the home of my Mom, Dad, Cat, Brother, Sister-In-Law, Future Nephew, and Dog. I’ll be there for 7 days and 7 nights.

But before all of that it’s time to kick-off the weekly Disco party, and this week I’ve got a crazy dude who called himself ‘Disco Tex’. Back in the mid-1970s he hung out with a band of lunatics known as ‘The Sex-O-Lettes’. Here’s their biggest Disco smash from back in the day – it’s “Get Dancin'”:

Categories
Animals Humor People Travel

Monday Night Funnies

These were (allegedly) posted on an Australian tourism web site, and the answers are (allegedly) the actual responses by the web site officials (who obviously have a great sense of humour – not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins !)

Q.  Does it ever get windy in Australia ?  I have never seen it rain on TV. How do the plants grow ?  ( U.K. )

A.  We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.

Q.  Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street ?  ( U.S. )

A.  Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q.  I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks ?  (Sweden)

A.  Sure – it’s only three thousand miles – take lots of water.

Q.  Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in  Australia ?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ?  (U.K.)

A.  What did your last slave die of ?

Q.  Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ?  (U.S.)

A.  A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … Oh forget it … Sure … the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q.  Which direction is North in Australia ?  (U.S.)

A.  Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here, and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q.  Can I bring cutlery into Australia ?  (U.K.)

A.  Why ?  Just use your fingers like we do.

Q.  Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule ?  (U.S.)

A.  Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y … which is … Oh forget it … Sure … the Vienna Boys’ Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross – straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q.  Can I wear high heels in Australia ?  (U.K.)

A.  You are a British politician right ?

Q.  Are there supermarkets in Sydney, and is milk available all year round ?  (Germany)

A.  No – we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunters/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q.  Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.  (U.S.)

A.  Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q.  I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees.  (U.S.)

A.  It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q.  I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ?  (U.S.)

A.  Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q.  Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ?  (France)

A.  Only at Christmas.

Q.  Will I be able to speak English most places I go ?  (U.S.)

A.  Yes – but you’ll have to learn it first.

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