Category: Travel

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Monday Night Funnies

These were (allegedly) posted on an Australian tourism web site, and the answers are (allegedly) the actual responses by the web site officials (who obviously have a great sense of humour – not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins !)

Q.  Does it ever get windy in Australia ?  I have never seen it rain on TV. How do the plants grow ?  ( U.K. )

A.  We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.

Q.  Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street ?  ( U.S. )

A.  Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q.  I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks ?  (Sweden)

A.  Sure – it’s only three thousand miles – take lots of water.

Q.  Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in  Australia ?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ?  (U.K.)

A.  What did your last slave die of ?

Q.  Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ?  (U.S.)

A.  A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … Oh forget it … Sure … the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q.  Which direction is North in Australia ?  (U.S.)

A.  Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here, and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q.  Can I bring cutlery into Australia ?  (U.K.)

A.  Why ?  Just use your fingers like we do.

Q.  Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule ?  (U.S.)

A.  Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y … which is … Oh forget it … Sure … the Vienna Boys’ Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross – straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q.  Can I wear high heels in Australia ?  (U.K.)

A.  You are a British politician right ?

Q.  Are there supermarkets in Sydney, and is milk available all year round ?  (Germany)

A.  No – we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunters/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q.  Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.  (U.S.)

A.  Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q.  I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees.  (U.S.)

A.  It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q.  I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ?  (U.S.)

A.  Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q.  Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ?  (France)

A.  Only at Christmas.

Q.  Will I be able to speak English most places I go ?  (U.S.)

A.  Yes – but you’ll have to learn it first.

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Thursday Night Mini Thoughts

– For the first time ever I’ve got 2 systems connected to the ‘Net simultaneously.
– I bought a ‘Wireless-N USB 2.0 Adapter‘ for my antique laptop.
– That’s the laptop that was my main system before I bought my new desktop.
– It’s so old that wireless technology was a mere option when it was new.
– Now I can access the Internet whereever there’s Wi-Fi.
– OK so I’m about 5 years behind the times here – at least I arrived.
– This suddenly rejuvenated laptop is going on a long road trip with me !
– Next Thursday night at this time I’ll be on vacation.
– I’m actually working for about 5 hours next Thursday morning.
– After that I’m off for the rest of the month.
– I return back to work to celebrate my 22ND anniversary at the air base.
– I’ve got an early departure time to hit the road next Friday morning.
– I’ve got about 825 miles to cover on the first day of my road trip.
– I can’t wait to get out on that open road.
– Late this morning I ventured over to Beef ‘O’ Brady’s for Lunch.
– I rarely eat cheeseburgers nowadays, but when I do Beef’s is the place.
– They also serve up some mightly tasty buffalo wings !
– Pretty much everything that I’ve ordered there was hot and delicious.
– Well the cold air from the north is advecting our area as I type this.
– Once the skies clear out our temperatures will tumble rapidly.
– I’m forecasting a low of 56° for Homestead from 6 AM to 7 AM on Friday.
– But wind chills will actually be closer to 50° !
– Tomorrow (Friday) we will struggle to reach 75°.
– It’ll be another chilly morning on Saturday.
– I can’t wait until I can walk around my neighbourhood in it !
– That’s right – I’m doin’ a ‘Walk-A-Thon’ on Saturday morning.
– This Saturday night on the ‘Retro’ I’ve got a funky Neil Sedaka from 1975.
– But first before that we’re gonna do the “Jungle Boogie” at the ‘Disco Party’.
– Be sure not to miss those weekend shenanigans.
– Those are my ‘Mini Thoughts’ for this Thursday night.
– I thank you for checking them out, and I’ll see ya back here tomorrow.
– In the meantime – REMEMBER THIS !

Chris At The Beach

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Saturday Night Retro

Whenever the first two weeks of November roll around I think of cooler and drier weather, the upcoming holiday season, and The United Kingdom.

Cold fronts from the northwest are sweeping through America’s Riviera for the first time since last Spring dropping temperatures down below 72°F on a nearly nightly basis.

Veterans Day, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day, and New Year’s Day are all within the next 8 weeks. Season’s Greetings Everyone !

These first two weeks of November also remind me of my two-year stint living in The United Kingdom serving as a young airman in the USAF. It was 24-years-ago this weekend that I departed stateside and arrived on British soil on my own to begin duty at my first permanent duty station. I served my country for two years in the U.K., and I took in all of the mid-1980s British and European culture at the time. It was a fun fun time for me and my friends that I spent it with. Good Times Forever.

22-years-ago next weekend I left the U.K. behind en route to my follow-on duty station at the original Homestead Air Force Base. Some time later on in my Life I plan to return to the U.K. to check up on the land across the sea I left behind.

Back in June of 1987 English novelty act The Firm scored one of the most unusual songs to ever hit # 1 on a major national hit music chart. It was a # 1 radio smash for 2 weeks all across The British Isles, and its unprecedented mainstream success reached deep into the European continent eastward into Asia and southward into Australia.

Here’s the original-length music video of that multi-continental # 1 smash, and it’s all about the legendary “Star Trek” television series from 20 years earlier:

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Thursday Night Mini Thoughts

– Let’s get spontaneous.
– Let’s be extreme.
– Only 56 more hours until Daylight Saving Time ends and Standard Time begins.
– I’m lookin’ forward to that.
– I’ll appreciate the hint of daylight on my way to work shortly after 6 AM.
– I wish we stayed on Standard Time all year long.
– It was another meeting-filled Thursday at work.
– I was in our conference room for about 3 hours of various meetings.
– It’s sort of like the boardroom on “The Apprentice“.
– I dig it because I never get fired.
– If you adore the hot and humid weather then this is your last gasp to enjoy it.
– More normal temperatures return next week with a series of cold fronts.
– I’m also expecting a major cooldown in about 2 to 3 weeks.
– I hinted about that on my Twitter account last night.
– Are you ready for an unusually chilly and wet winter season ?
– December, January, and February could be ridiculous around these parts !
– I’m lookin’ forward to much lower electric bills this winter.
– They typically average as much as 60% lower than during the summer months.
– I’m hoping to kickstart ‘The Major’s Walk-A-Thon’ on Saturday December 05TH.
– That’s where I walk around my neighbourhood early on Saturday mornings.
– I pray for my neighbours, enjoy God’s creations around me, and get healthy.
– Those are 3 things that I never did prior to the start of this fantastic journey.
– 3 weeks from tomorrow morning my long road trip to and from Texas begins.
– I plan to start packing up my car with odds and ends to take with me soon.
– The best part of it all is that I can bring whatever I feel like bringing.
– There is no charge for my luggage, and there is no weight limit.
– Sat. is Halloween for those of you that care enough to send the very best.
– I’ve got a special double feature for you here on the big scary blog.
– First in the morning it’s a special ‘Halloween Morning Shenanigans’.
– Then at night on ‘Retro’ we’re gonna do “The Monster Mash”.
– But before that tomorrow night is Disco night.
– I’ve got the # 1 smash in the U.S. the day Jimmy Carter became President.
– Be sure to check that out, and enjoy your upcoming weekend !
– Be safe, and turn around – don’t drown.