Monday Night Countdown

After a one-year trial separation Lipitor and I have been reunited at last – and it feels so good. In lieu of ‘The Major’s Loony Bin’ (which normally appears on this day here on this blog) I present to you a one-shot special edition of the historic ‘Monday Night Countdown’. It’s my TOP 5 reasons why I’m absolutely thrilled to be back with the Lipitor:

5.  It’s what all of the kool kids middle aged dudes are doin’.

4.  Now when somebody tells me to act my age I can pull out my daily tablet of Lipitor, switch on the ‘Judge Judy‘, and make awkward sounds whenever I go to sit down and stand up.

3.  I no longer have to feel guilty as sin whenever I eat a GINORMOUS 5,000+ calorie meal at the LongHorn SteakHouse.

2.  Perhaps if Lipitor existed 32 years ago then Elvis Presley would still be alive and kicking today. (Elvis died of a MASSIVE heart attack 32 years ago this week at the same exact age as I am now.) I don’t wish to die of a heart attack. I still have a lot of work to do here on Earth – like be a TV weatherman.

1.  Because if I don’t get any of the following side effects – dizziness, headache, nausea, diarrhea, constipation, gas, stomach upset / pain, bone, joint, or tendon pain, swelling in the arms or legs, chest pain, muscle pain, tenderness, or weakness (especially with fever or unusual tiredness), yellowing eyes and skin, dark urine, change in the amount of urine, pale stools, severe stomach pain, rash, itching, swelling, dizziness, trouble breathing, and other effects not listed – then it’s a GREAT day !

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