Month: March 2009

Categories
Humor Money Politics

Sunday Night Funnies

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys!  How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy #2 from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Categories
God

Life Pointe Church Sunday Morning Tossed Salad

Here are my takeaways in 15 words or less:

– Daylight Saving Time is here, and most of our attendance was still asleep.
– Among The Thirsty was our house band this morning.
– They seriously rocked my face off !
– They have a big radio single out called “One Sound”.
– It’s from their big album called “Wonder”.
– They did a tremendous job leading us as we all sang to God.
– During the first service Communications Director Kelly D. hosted.
– She’s quickly developing into an efficient leader at Life Pointe Church.
– Have you seen her cool new blog ?  It’s at kellydowning.com.
– Kelly D. is on my car radio every morning as I drive to work.
– I get to listen to her for about 15 minutes every morning.
– She’s my favourite radio deejay !
– Mark S. did the teaching for the first time ever.
– It was an awesome effort.
– He taught us all about forgiveness.
– Forgiven people forgive people.
– You’re not justifying their actions when you forgive someone.
– You should always remember how much you have been forgiven.
– You should reflect on who you need to forgive.
– You should release the other person(s) from your grudges.
– You should forgive instantly, completely, freely, and repeatedly.
– There should be no ‘ifs’ and no limits to your forgiveness.
– Jesus placed no ‘ifs’ and no limits so that you could be forgiven.
– It’s all about God’s purpose in the forgiveness process.
– I was rescued and saved by God over 30 months ago.
– Before this journey started I didn’t know how to forgive people.
– I carried grudges deep down inside for years and even decades.
– I even denied the mere existence of some of these grudges.
– How could I forgive someone if they never did anything bad to me ?
– But they did – and I have.
– This morning’s teaching was based on 17 verses from the Good News:
  – Matthew 18:22
  – Colossians 2:13-14
  – Psalm 103:12
  – 1 John 1:9
  – Matthew 5:25-26
  – Psalm 139:3-4
  – Matthew 18:32-35
  – Romans 12:18-19
  –  2 Corinthians 3:17
  – Colossians 3:13

Be sure to catch my buddy Phil’s take on this morning’s events at Life Pointe Church. This morning he was dressed up in his ‘Sunday finest’, and that’s ironic considering he wrote this ‘Major Bloggie Award Winner’ earlier in the week !

Categories
History Music Politics

Saturday Night Retro

Exactly 18 years ago this weekend I returned home from the Saudi Arabian sands in support of Operations Desert Shield and Desert Storm. Here’s a timeline:

Sat. Mar. 09 1991 0326L – Departed Al Kharj AB Saudi Arabia.
Sat. Mar. 09 1991 0833L – Arrived Torrejon AB Spain.
Sat. Mar. 09 1991 1357L – Departed Torrejon AB Spain.
Sat. Mar. 09 1991 1656L – Arrived Dover AFB Delaware.
(Spent the night at a hotel in Philadelphia Pennsylvania.)

Sun. Mar. 10 1991 0756L – Departed Philadelphia Pennsylvania.
Sun. Mar. 10 1991 1001L – Arrived Miami Florida.

3 days later I drove nearly 1,100 miles from Homestead AFB to Northern Virginia to spend the rest of the month of March 1991 with my family. (The USAF gave us returning veterans that free time off following the war to spend with our families.)

And now for your ‘Saturday Night Retro’ review I present to you “Voices That Care”. Spot the stars from 1991. They cared for us back then. Unfortunately it’s a different world today.

Categories
Food Health Weather

The Major’s Walk-A-Thon

Time: 6:28 AM – 7:14 AM
Sky: Partly Cloudy
Temperature: 65°F
Dewpoint: 57°F
Relative Humidity: 75%
Winds: E 6 MPH
Barometric Pressure: 30.30 Rising

Here are my thoughts in 15 words or less:

– It’s my 2nd walk around my neighbourhood of 2009.
– The last time I did this was the 1ST Saturday morning of January.
– That was way too long ago.
– I hadn’t done it since then due to a wide variety of reasons.
– Some of them were too legit to quit – like I was out-of-town.
– Some of them were poor excuses not to walk – such as ‘too cold outside’.
– Hopefully I can get back into my groove again on Saturday mornings.
– That is until it gets ‘too warm outside’ by the time mid-May rolls around.
– This morning was the last morning of Standard Time until November.
– That means dark early mornings begin tomorrow.
– The Sun rose at 6:39 AM EST this morning.
– I began my walk 11 minutes before that.
– Tomorrow morning at 6:39 AM EDT it will be pitch dark outside.
– I don’t need daylight at 7:30 PM at night.
– I need it at 6:30 AM in the morning.
– I’m not a fan of Daylight Saving Time.
– That’s right – it’s not ‘Savings‘ – it’s ‘Saving’. Look it up.
– Oh yeah – about this morning’s walk:
– I walked for 46.6 minutes.
– That made it about a 2.5-mile walk.
– That made it the longest walk ever !
– It nipped my previous 43.2 minute / 2.3-mile walk.
– My neighbourhood smelled good all around.
– I smelled dozens and dozens of varieties of breakfast in the air.
– It all made me hungry for some home-cooked food.
– Too bad I don’t cook.
– But Burger King does !
– After this past rollercoaster of a work week I needed this walk.
– It made me feel good.
– It cleared my mind.
– I haven’t felt this refreshed in a long time.
– I’m ready to rock and roll.
– I’m ready to file my income taxes.
– Be sure to catch the ‘Saturday Night Retro’ tonight.
– You won’t regret it dude !